Time to resolve our conflicts and inter personal relationship problems

 There is a human tendency to blame and find a fault with the other. The other is responsible for what one is. The other does not live his life so one is disturbed and annoyed. But the fact that one is religious or priest is not because the other one has called or invited. The call is from God and so it is ones primary duty to follow HIM alone and not get carried away and disturbed by the life of the other who does not  live according to Charism and the constitutions.

One is called to be part of one particular charism and spirituality and it is understood that one is fully inserted into it. One studies, reflects and lives what one in faith has accepted. So it should not then become like the others don’t live and follow what they have promise so why should I? Am I going to depend on others to live my call and charism? Am I going to look out for those faithful ones who live it? There are comparisons made between the so-called good and bad ones. It goes beyond our fraternal charity and concern. One becomes like a judge all the time of the other. One is just waiting for someone to make a mistake and then announce it from the housetop.

I have an impression that we have interpersonal and fraternal relationship problems, which are often given inadequate attention by communities. Each friar in a community has a particular and unique personality style that has been shaped by the lifetime of their experience. After you have been working together for awhile, you can find out that there are driver types and quiet folk, expressive, analytical, reserved, shy, reactive friars in our community. As the community gets into conflicts, the elements of group dynamics and personality style need to be taken into account by the superior of the community.

It is important to make, even at a surface level, some determination about yourself and how you are likely to affect the community. Ask yourself: Do I talk a lot, or very little? Am I confident about my ideas and myself? Do I listen to others well, or am I impatient having to listen to others? Am I empathetic to others or do I care mostly about getting the task done? When others speak, am I listening to what they say, or thinking about what I am going to say? Am I quick to anger? Am I defensive or accepting when someone talks about my behavior? Do I ramble or am I a bulleted list sort of person? What makes me annoyed? What makes me feel good?

One of the most common sources of conflict and angst in community is the friction between “the doers and the talkers". This dichotomy between task and process is very common and is often a source of conflict and frustration in community.  A healthy community has a balance between task and process. Think of task and process like the wings of a bird. If one wing is shorter than the other, the bird flies around in circles. If there is mostly task and little process, the frictions between people will erupt into communication problems and the resulting conflicts keep tasks from moving forward. However, when task and process are balanced, both wings are working at maximum efficiency to carry the community in the direction it wants to go. You need process to determine the direction to go and how to work together; you need task orientation to accomplish all the jobs needed.

There can be undercurrents of bad feelings in our community which don't get talked about. One technique that can bring this out is to do a feeling circle, in which everyone in the community expresses how they are feeling. The way feeling circles work is for members to simply state whatever is on their mind. For example, a member might say: " I'm feeling disappointed because no one else helped me work in the garden yesterday." This helps focus the group on feelings and also can define some larger issues for discussion.

Another important point that we need to keep in mind is that active listening is a skill which enhances communication. In active listening you listen carefully, then paraphrase back what you heard, with the goal of supporting and drawing out the feelings of the speaker. When this is done well it validates a persons feelings and encourages him or her to fully communicate. The goal of active listening is to help clarify the feelings and thinking behind the words. When active listening is applied it creates a supportive bond between the speaker and the listener. Because there is no threat of criticism or judgment, the speaker is encouraged to express feelings honestly.